There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
