Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My life is pants optional.
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