Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
