my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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