Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize