Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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