I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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