i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize