it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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