Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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