Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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