did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
