remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
