My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
