I'm lost and stupid without you.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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