whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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