WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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