This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
