yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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