I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
