how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
