Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize