Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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