i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize