I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
