At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
