Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
