I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
