I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
