Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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