sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
