I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
