when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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