sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
