I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
