The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
