I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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