The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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