Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
