So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
