Where is the hickey?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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