Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was confusing and full of hummus
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
