She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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