Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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