i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
