I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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