he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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