When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
