True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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