I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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