cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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