so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
