My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
