My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't deserve a penis
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
