So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I want to be your penis for a week.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
