He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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