just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
