I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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