what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
